I believe that every single trial we face in this life gives us an opportunity for personal growth. When problems arise, and we all know they will, I try to ask God to help me see what I can learn from the situation. Instead of focusing on the frustration, inconvenience, or hurt, I try to seek out what lesson I can gain.
This year one lesson that seems to keep crossing my path is that of surrender. For me, it is a tough one. I am learning more and more on how little control I really have over many aspects in my life. Compared to the power that I think I possess, the reality is so very little. It seems that is where a lot of my fear and worry stems from. A lack of being able to control situations or outcomes. That feeling tends to throw a lot of us in a spiral.
One of the heartbreaks I had to face this year was saying goodbye to my big girl, Sadie. She was the first German Shepherd dog I ever owned and she did a great job in her role as a protector of our household. She would always be on alert when something unfamiliar would come into our yard. She was a loyal furry friend and whenever I was out in the yard, she was not too far behind me. She would have turned 11 this June. Her mind was good, but it was her body that was failing her. She was a tough dog though. In years past, she tore her CCL in each leg, but never let it slow her down much. I had noticed in January that one of her back legs started going inward and I assumed it was just from her previous injury. As the days and months passed, I tried to prepare myself for what I knew was inevitable. I don’t really think you can ever fully prepare for saying goodbye. It was on my mind most days and I tried every kind of supplement out there to help her, but nothing showed any promise of making a difference. Even though we never got an official diagnosis, based on her symptoms I feel like she had Degenerative Myelopathy. She was slowly losing the feeling in her backside and back legs. She just kept trucking on though. Signs were visible when she would try to get up. It got harder and harder for her. She would still try to take off and run only to stumble and get tripped up from time to time. It got to the point that she couldn’t take several steps without her backside going down. She would always get back up, but we had gotten to a point where if she went down, she just sat there like she just didn’t understand what was going on.
You may be wondering what this has to do with surrendering. The thing is I had worried from January to May about the timing of her passing. I know that sounds harsh, but we had a vacation planned at the end of May and my biggest fear was having to put Sadie down right before our trip. I felt like I had tried my hardest to prevent that scenario but came up short. I was worried about my other German Shepherd named Dixie and how she would be left alone. How would she cope with the loss of her best friend and then her family leaving her for several days? To be honest, I wasn’t just heartbroken, I was angry. Instead of just accepting what was to come, I spent so much mental energy on trying to control how and when it was going to play out.
I am going to be real. I was mad at God. He knew all year that this was the biggest fear I had struggled with, but yet 5 days before our family vacation I had no choice but to say goodbye to my big girl. It ripped my heart out but some of that pain I was feeling was for her furry friend left behind. How do you explain that to a dog? I was worried that when we left for our trip, Dixie would think we weren’t coming back either and go into doggy depression. She is 10 years old herself and I didn’t want to see her start to give up.
As hard as it is to make that heart ripping decision, this was the second time I was faced with it and I knew ultimately it is the last act of love we can show our pets. To not let them suffer and to go peacefully. And thankfully Sadie did and I was right beside her the whole time.
I have always told my children that God can handle our anger. He sees it in our hearts anyway. So after all of this, I poured my heart out to him about how upset I was. I asked for forgiveness. For months, I had tried and tried to plan the timing of this to fit my schedule, what I wanted. Isn’t that how we are with a lot of things in life? We want to have that power, that control but do we really know what we are asking for? God is God. He is good. He knows all, he sees all. His ways and plans are so much better for our lives than we can possibly imagine. He sees the big picture, we don’t. By just talking to him about my honest feelings, I was able to gain perspective and release my anger, my frustrations, and disappointments. My eyes were open to the areas of my life where I needed to trust and surrender more.
I pray I am learning to surrender more often the things I cannot control over to the one who is in control. God has my back. He loves me. He loves you. There are situations in life we will face that are out of our hands. When we cannot control these situations, we sometimes let our emotions get the better of us and they can cloud our judgement and our perspective. I am learning that the one thing I can control is how I react to the circumstances life throws at me. I tried spending as much time as I could with Sadie, but honestly in those moments I wasn’t fully present because in my mind I was desperately trying to find a way to help her live longer. What can I do? Should we try this? Should we try that? I should have just surrendered my concerns over to God and just lived presently each day I had her.
My hope is that I will get better at letting go and letting God. I waste so much emotional and mental energy on stuff I have absolutely no power over when I could be using it for better things. God never asked us to have it all figured out, but he does ask that we trust Him with it all. So the question is, do we?
Update on Dixie. She is doing fairly good without her sidekick Sadie. I have wonderful neighbors who came over daily to check on her while we were on vacation. When we got back home, there were times she would just be in the garage letting out a long sorrowful howl possibly expressing her heart ache. It didn’t take her long though to realize that I would feel sorry for her and go out and sit with her. She caught on to the habit and does it quite often when she wants us to come outside with her. My family says I am getting played by her, but oh well. I will enjoy the time I have with her for now and continue to spoil her rotten.
So this week, I challenge us all to Let Go and Let God. Let us quit carrying around the burdens that God is asking for us to hand over to him. Life doesn’t always have to feel so heavy when we are walking it with Jesus.
Keep moving forward my friends,
Hayley Williams
Unpolished & Imperfect 